Recent Movies

Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust (2008)

REVIEW BY: Jeffrey Long


COMPANY: Full Moon Entertainment

RUNTIME: 82 mins


FORMAT: DVD


PLOT: Continuing his quest to become human again, the evil gingerbread man returns to stalk the cast and crew working at a low budget B-Movie production company.


REVIEW: Full Moon has a habit of making sure their sequels are better then the originals (Puppet Master 2: His Unholy Creations, Trancers 2, Bloodstone: Subspecies 2, The Evil Bong 2: Wrath of Bong, The Killer Eye 2: Halloween Haunt). However, sometimes it just doesn't turn out that way in the end, despite an obvious effort (Demonic Toys 2: Personal Demons, Oblivion 2: Backlash). Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust by all rights should have been better then the first Gingerdead Man movie. It had all the right ingredients to make an even better experience, and it tried to go 'bigger' in almost every way possible (bigger cast, more kills, larger location, more reanimated living objects, longer runtime) but somehow, somewhere along the way, it dropped the ball. Don't get me wrong, it's still a decently-enjoyable and cheese-filled campy B-Movie, and not a half-bad return for the deadly pastry, but there's just...something...stopping it from being as good as the first movie was.

Where the first movie took place in a tiny little bakery, this one takes place in a low budget B-Movie studio...not unlike the kind that Full Moon themselves is. And just like such a company, this one is plagued by dozens of problems: they're in the process of filming way too many movies at once on a less-than shoestring budget, while still in the process of writing the scripts for half of them, with no-named actors all thinking they're topshit and not getting along with one another, a well-known actor agreeing to spend a few hours on-set as a favor to the producer but throwing tantrums while there, and one washed-up sex symbol 80's scream queen that's trying to just have people pay attention to her again (and that's only a small sample of the issues plaguing this low budget movie company). All in all, this setting is perfect, and done to perfection by a company that does business exactly like how it's portrayed as in this movie; This is quite the realistic portrayal of how these movies, and studios like Full Moon, operate and this could easily be passed off as a comedy-documentary if it wasn't for the whole killer cookie thing. It's also an excellent setting for a horror movie, as everyone would just assume that the weird going-ons is for one of the movies being filmed, and that any of the cast or crew who disappear is off on a temper tantrum.


When last we left off at the end of the previous movie, we saw that an entire batch of cookies had been made with the gingerbread mix that had been infused with the soul of serial killer Millard Findlemeyer, and they were being sold at a bake fair thanks to the mysterious old lady (that this movie confirms as being Millard Findlemeyer's mother, whom dabbles in witchcraft). After a recap of the first movie, and a pretty fun opening credits sequence set to a parody of Joan Jett's Bad Reputation, this movie starts off with a box of pastries that had been purchased at the bake fair from the end of the first movie being delivered to this low budget horror studio, and among the random pastries inside is one of those Millard Findlemeyer-filled gingerbread cookies, AKA a Gingerdead Man. Suffice to say, it isn't long before he climbs out of the box and starts causing chaos and death in the corridors and various rooms of this movie studio.

Where the first movie fumbled, this one picks up the slack. We have a much larger cast this time around, which means much more death scenes. And unlike the first movie, just about all of them are bloody as hell and each one is totally different then the last, opting to go with variety and uniqueness in the deaths this time around instead of just generic stabbing after generic stabbing. There's even a scene where the Gingerdead Man kills someone by shoving a burning hot curling iron up their ass like a dildo – and no, I'm not joking. The one kind of cheese that the first movie left out was Death-Cheese, and this one delivers that by the baker's dozen. It also takes a page out of the first movie's book by offering plenty of Visual-Cheese - just seeing a tiny living cookie chasing after regular-sized people isn't enough now that we've seen that already in the first movie. No, this time they add so much more to it – including a scene of other living objects (a gang of living movie props dubbed The Tiny Terrors) stringing the Gingerdead Man up on a cross, while wearing a thorny crown, and light him on fire in what I'm sure is quite the controversial scene for religious people. We also get a scene where the Gingerdead Man attacks our main cast in several different movie sets, all with a totally different style to them (Examples include a space station and a mythical castle dungeon), as well as a scene where our little unholy baked good tries to hump one of the non-living female puppet props, not realizing that she's not alive. There is plenty of visual-Cheese to feast our eyes on with this one.


Unfortunately, that's pretty much where the good things end. There are no returning characters from the first movie, which is quite the disappointment as I loved Robin Sydney in the first and hoped she would return for this one. Also, due to the bigger cast we have this time around, we don't get to spend as much time with each person as we did in the first movie and thus we don't get to really come to know any of them. On top of that, every single character is totally and completely unlikable; Everyone in this movie is just an asshole and it makes it impossible to care about any them. Like seriously, this is a movie about a killer cookie – that alone already has us rooting for the cookie! No need to make every single person an asshole in order to get us to root for the little guy. All it does is makes the time where he's not on-screen (which there's plenty of) all the more difficult to watch. The fact that the actors here could make the actors in the first movie look like award-winners in comparison doesn't help either – there's bad acting and then there's bad 'acting'.

Which brings me to my biggest fault with the movie. There's only one great sin that a B-Movie can commit - It already has bad actors, crappy effects, plot holes you can sail a ship through, and plenty of other bad aspects about them that come with the package, but none of that matters as long as the movie is fun. The single greatest sin that a B-Movie can commit, is to be slow and boring, and good lord this is one slow movie. Nothing at all really happens until the final 15 minutes. We might have the scattered two or three death scenes during the movie, but for the most part everything exciting is jammed into the final 15 minutes, which leaves the other hour and ten minutes with not much meat on it's bones. You could almost cut the Gingerdead Man character out of his own movie and it probably wouldn't even affect anything else in the movie until close to the end; this movie focuses too much on the troubled productions of the low budget movie company, regulating the title character to secondary status and even having most of his scattered scenes have no impact on anything else going on in the movie. And as I already mentioned above, absolutely none of these human characters are even interesting or likable so it makes that time away from the Gingerdead Man feel even more excruciating. When the movie does do something of note, it does it really well and full of the kind of camp that I love and look for in these movies, but those moments are so few and far between until that last little stretch, that it in no way makes up for the dull and overly-long lull between them.

Even some of the new things they throw in to try to spice this entry up, just fall completely flat. For example, the above-mentioned Tiny Terrors: The idea for them is pretty good, with some really...unique...designs (among them is a water kettle with machine-gun arms and a dildo wearing a tux – don't ask), and they're all puppeteered really well, but in the end it just doesn't work because the makers of this movie do nothing at all with them. They pop in about 5 minutes from the end after being brought to life, thanks to a voodoo spell book that the Gingerdead Man wanted to use in order to transplant his soul into a human body (but instead ended up putting the soul of the last person he killed into those props), but they only come alive long enough to string the Gingerdead Man up like Christ on the cross and light him on fire. As soon as he burns away to nothing 30 seconds later, they get taken out rather quickly, and that is it. It came across like the producers were sitting around and said 'Hey, people really loved our Gingerdead Man prop in the last movie – let's do that, but times ten!' and thus they created a handful of 'Tiny Terrors' puppets, but they must have come to that decision well into the filming cause really, those little guys have no impact on the movie at all. They certainly don't seem like they were added in during the script stage, otherwise they probably would have had much more to do. It was just a huge missed opportunity, and while I like the idea behind them, if that was all they were planning on doing then I would have rather they just not bothered instead of wasting such a great idea like that and taking even more time away from our title character.


As for the Gingerdead Man himself, he looked a bit different in this one then he did in the first movie. Effects-wise, they still did a pretty good job with him and he moved about well enough, but you can tell it definitely had a slightly different design to it and seemed to look a bit...I don't know...cheaper, I guess. Which is probably a result of having to remake the puppet and wanting to save money in the budget for those useless Tiny Terrors puppets, so they did a rush job on the title character, thus giving us Gingerdead Man-Lite. He's not even voiced by Gary Busey this time, but instead by some no-named actor that doesn't even sound anything like him (though that's partially-understandable, seeing as how in the Behind the Scenes feature on the first movie they talk about how difficult Busey was to work with and how he kept delaying the production of the movie). Although I suppose all of that could be explained away in-continuity by the fact that it technically is a completely separate cookie then the one in the first. Granted, it IS the same soul as the one that occupied the cookie in the first movie, or at least a part of the same soul, but if it works to help make the movie just that tiny bit better for you, then so be it. I'm fully aware though that that's a weak explanation and far more thought then the writers themselves probably gave it.

When all was said and done with this one, it seemed like every step it took to improve on the first movie, it ended up taking two steps back directly afterward. The potential was totally there to be one of the all-time best B-Movies and a really fun cheesefest, but sadly it didn't even come close. Still, it's worth checking out for nothing more then to see a realistic portrayal of how low budget studios do their thing (such as Full Moon and The Asylum).

Plus, a wise-cracking one-liner-spewing killer cookie in a shitty movie is still a wise-cracking one-liner-spewing killer cookie, and thus that movie must be watched, because really, that's just too zany to pass up.

5/10 rooms in the Psych Ward



2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

REVIEW BY: Jeffrey Long
 

COMPANY: The Asylum

RUNTIME: 90 mins


FORMAT: BluRay


PLOT: Survivors escape to a deserted atoll after their Semester at Sea ship is sunk by a deformed two-headed shark. But when the atoll starts flooding, no one is safe from the double jaws of the monster
.

REVIEW: Asylum can be all over the board. Their movies range from downright dreadful to excellent fun, and it's pretty much impossible to tell which ones will be which beforehand because if there is one thing they're good at 100% of the time, it's advertising. They sure know how to advertise their movies and put together excellent trailers. 2-Headed Shark Attack got the full treatment – excellent trailers, top-tier advertising, and lots of word-of-mouth, and it all looked and sounded excellent so I was really hoping that it would be able to live up to the hype and not be one of their let-down movies (Such as the first Mega Shark flick). Adding to my caution are some of the names behind the movie; We have Christopher Olen Ray directing, who I'm 50/50 on (Loved Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus but hated Almighty Thor), and fellow-B-Movie blogger turned scriptwriter H. Perry Horton who did the screenplay (He also did the script for A Haunting in Salem which I only 'liked' but did not love, and I had a few issues with), so I wasn't quite sure what to expect from these two on this one. On top of all of that, I'm getting REALLY sick of shark movies. We've been bombarded with cheesy shark movie after cheesy shark movie for the last several years and I'm just sick of it all now; there's plenty of other animals that they could pretty much build the exact same movies around, so why not switch it up and keep things fresh? I think it's time that the shark moves over and they start giving another animal the spotlight.

Well, against all of my worry and low expectations, as it turns out this movie isn't just one of Asylum's better movies – it is their BEST movie, period. Words cannot describe how much fun there is to be had with this flick, but I'll try my best: I had a god damn blast with this movie. My point still stands however – movie-makers need to lay off the sharks for a bit and employ some other species' to do the killing – but I'm really glad that if they do decide to finally go that route, that this one will remain one of the last of the onslaught of shark movies. I'd rather this trend goes out with an amazing bang like this movie, as opposed to some crappy whimper.


If the title alone wasn't enough to pique you're interest, then perhaps the cast list can help: We have Brooke Hogan (daughter of Hulk Hogan) as our main JWoww-esque tom-boyish tough girl heroine of the movie, Charlie O'Connell (look-alike brother of Jerry O'Connell) as the Professor that seems to be almost as young as his students, and Carmen Electra as his smoking hot wife and the trained medical personnel for the trip (though despite her name getting top-billing, all she does during the entire movie is sunbath on the deck of the boat while everyone else is exploring the island, and when she does join them she mostly just stands around in the background with little or no dialog). The only way the casting could be any better for such a movie is if Asylum brought back Tiffany and Debbie Gibson from their previous outing with Mega Python vs Gatoroid – perhaps one as the teacher and the other as the medical personnel? Hmmm...

The movie isn't a complicated one to follow. A group of school students are doing a semester at sea (though there's next to no studying going on and plenty of skin-tight bikini-clad beauties bouncing around and getting on as if there are auditions happening for Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break XXV), when their ship gets stranded by an atoll (a very tiny land mass in the middle of the ocean) which as it turns out is slowly sinking due to increasing tremors, while a mutated two-headed shark stalks them from the ocean. That's about as extensive as the plot gets, but don't be fooled; the less there is for plot means the more room for the abundance of campy cheese! And if you're a cheese-lover like me, then this is certainly the one movie you will not want to skip! On top of enough eye candy to last a year (for both men and women), we get such great lines of dialog like “Which one of you wants to get nude first?”, “The kids are in danger! To the dingy!”, “Mayday, mayday, there's a 2-headed shark attacking me! Send help!” to list just a few of my favorites. And if that wasn't enough for you, there's great visual treats like a trio of teens skinny dipping and making out right before they all get munched down on at the same time, the shark bitch-slapping someone out of the water with it's tail and then while he's in the air, it turns back around and jumps out of the water to chomp down on him mid-air in an explosive geyser of blood, and my own personal favorite: Seeing the shark riding inside of a giant tidal wave to take out two characters standing on a bridge that was previously out of the creature's reach – Yes, it's quite the resourceful shark when it wants its meal! Like I said, there's such an abundance of cheese here, that any true B-Movie fan can't help but fall in love with this movie.

On the downside, what this movie has in cheese it lacks in anything even resembling characterization. There is no effort at all put in for making us give a damn about any of the characters, resulting in the biggest cast of cardboard cut-outs I've ever seen. The closest we get to characterization is with Brooke Hogan's character, and she seemed to mostly draw her inspiration from JWoww of Jersey Shore, from just her basic body shape, to her overall outward attitude, to just the way she composes herself and struts her stuff around - it all reminded me very much of Jwoww, but with blond hair. Also, she slaps a girl in one scene and punches a guy in the face in another, followed by shouting in his face directly after. So like I said – very Jwoww-ish. Her acting however, along with every single other person's acting in this movie, is really quite brutal. Pretty much cringe-worthy, actually. But in all honesty, it doesn't really matter much because nobody really pays attention to the acting in a low budget movie about a 2-headed mutant shark eating hot girls in bikinis (or not in bikinis if it's a lucky scene).


Which brings me back to more of the movie's strong suits – nudity and gore. Asylum movies from years ago used to always be pretty R-Rated with plenty of nudity and gore shots, but it seems these last couple of years they've shied away from that a lot. Largely I guess, because of their movie deals with the SyFy Channel, they probably felt it was easier to just shoot with a PG/PG-13 rating as opposed to spending the time to edit and cut stuff afterward, so most of their recent movies (if not all) have been pretty tame compared to their older stuff. Well this one sure is a great return to form, TV deals be damned! There's only one scene with any actual nudity in it, but we see quite a bit of it during that scene, and the gore is where this one really shines. Every single kill (and there is quite a lot of them) is filled with enough buckets of the red stuff to make any gore-hound happy.

The shark itself looks surprisingly good as well, considering the company that made this movie. Definitely a huge step up from any of their previous monster movies. They do still do a few repeat shots where they just reuse the same CGI shot of the shark swimming in the water over and over (something they do quite often in the Mega Shark movies, especially the second one), and it is a bit jarring at times when they switch from the CGI model of the shark directly to a practical puppetry shot, but even then the switch back and forth is still integrated more smoothly then it was in 100 Million B.C., another Asylum movie that would switch back and forth from CGI shots and practical shots but not done as well. Oh, and if you're one of the few fans of the scene in Jaws 4: The Revenge where the shark roars, then you'll be as happy as a fat kid on Halloween with this movie, as every single scene that the shark is in it lets out at least two (sometimes plenty of more) deep thundering roars. Even when it's submerged under the water. Like I've said, this movie so excellent with the cheese!

Thanks to the talents of scriptwriter H. Perry Horton, another really strong suit to the movie is the fact that you can rarely guess how things will turn out. I can honestly say that I had no idea at all how they would defeat the shark. For a few minutes there it actually seemed like maybe they wouldn't and for once the evil creature would actually win and every single human would die. There were even a few things that were purposefully set up during the movie to make you think that that was how they would eventually end up defeating the shark, but none of them end up panning out or working in the characters' favor, so kudus to H. Perry Horton for actually making what could have been a very by-the-books predictable B-Movie quite suspenseful and fresh, making the viewing experience all the more enjoyable. Any reserves I had after A Haunting in Salem are completely washed away here and I now 100% look forward to any future projects that come out of him.


This movie was just the perfect mix of everything I look for in my B-Movies – lots of eye-candy, cheesy dialog, and campy scenes – mixed with better-then-expected special effects and a script that goes above and beyond what you would expect from such a movie. I have no hesitation in stating that, in my opinion, this is Asylum's all-time best effort yet, and if this is a taste of things to come from them going into 2012, then consider my seat reserved, because this year is going to be one hell of a fun ride.

10/10 rooms in the Psych Ward


UPDATE: You can now hear me discuss this movie as a Guest Host on the Saturday B-Movie Reel podcast.



 
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