Recent Movies

Carnosaur 2 (1995)

REVIEW BY: Jeffrey Long


COMPANY: New Horizon

RUNTIME: 83 mins

FORMAT: DVD

PLOT: After the U.S. Government looses communication with a top secret plutonium facility out in the middle of the desert, they send in a team of technical specialists to find out what happened, but none of them are prepared for what they discover – surviving Carnosaurs from the events of the first movie had attacked and made the base their new nest.

REVIEW: After I was finally able to see the first Carnosaur way back in 2001, after a life-long journey of trying to obtain it, I ended up having to wait even longer to see Carnosaur 2. See, the small town I was living in at the time, the video store there had only the first Carnosaur and there was no such thing as Ebay or Amazon back then (or at least not popular and not on the mind of a 16 year old with no credit card), so it wasn't until 2005 that I was able to finally see the sequel, which was by way of ordering the VHS version off Ebay (which I had to get a friend to order for me as back in those days, you had to have a credit card to order on Ebay as there was no such thing as paypal). So how did I find it when compared to the first?

Even better.

Whereas the first was a Monster-on-the-loose in a small town kind of movie, this one is much more of a cramped low-lighted enclosed-space survival horror along the likes of the video game Dino Crises. To start off, I want to make it clear that Aliens is one of my all-time favorite sci-fi/horror movies, and this movie is Aliens. It's as if they took the exact same script but turned Ripley into a male, Newt into a male, set it at a facility in the desert instead of another planet, and replace the aliens with Raptors, and then you've got this movie. I am not kidding when I say it's the exact same movie as Aliens. Even some of the dialog is word for word the exact same. And you know what? I'm fine with that, because it ended up making for a damn entertaining movie. I always say that if you're going to rip something off, rip off something good.


The robotic effects and rubber man-in-suit props used for the Raptors in this movie, as well as the animatronic and model effects used for the Tyrannosaurus Rex at the end (filling the Queen Alien role) are quite different and much more advanced then the puppet and man-in-suits they used in the original. Sure, compared to something like Jurassic Park they may not look very good at all, but for low budget B-movie sequel of the early 90's, and especially when compared with the first movie, they look great. Adding to that are the new creepy-sounding clicking noises the Raptors make while they're hunting their prey. This movie actually used the sound of the Raptors to create some awesome tension that the first movie never even attempted to do. You know there's one or more Raptors around due to being able to hear the clicking noises they make, but the character can't see them anywhere...that is until they attack and take him out.

One of my main complaints I had about the first movie were the characters and the fact that every single one was totally unlikable and you couldn't get behind any of them. I'm proud to report that is not the case this time, as you tend to care for almost every character this time, though admittedly, that may be due to the fact that all of them are carbon copies of the characters from Aliens; there's the wise-cracking scaredy-cat, the tough-as-nails command-barking leader, the female pilot who ends up getting munched on as she tries to warm up the copter for their retreat early-on, the sketchy company man with his own agenda, the kid that survived the initial massacre (though why there are kids living at a top-secret Government facility, I'll never know), and of course our average everyman hero that becomes a kind of father figure to the kid. There are a few others, but you get the idea; far better then the first movie's mad scientist, law-breaking hippie, and always-drunk construction vehicle maintainer, that's for sure. This time, I never got tired or bored of any of these characters and it wasn't hard to actually root for them instead of the Carnosaurs. In the last movie when it came down to the drunk hero fighting off the Tyrannosaurus in a construction vehicle, you really didn't give a shit if he won or not, but this time when in the exact same scenario (yellow construction vehicle taking the place of the Aliens' load lifter in a throw-back nod scene to the first movie), you actually want the hero to win.

As for the gore factor, there is a bit less then the previous movie as most people are dragged away to be killed off-screen, however the things we do get remain quite faithful to the style of the original movie (an arm being ripped off, a stomach being gouged out, a head gorily detached from the body, mutilated body parts strewn around, and some good splashes of blood).


Now, after all that praise I suppose you're wondering if I have anything negative. Well the answer is Nope, not really. It's a bit slow at first and takes awhile to really get going, which may turn some people off, but it didn't bother me at all as it used that time to set up the characters well and set up some good tension, both things that the previous movie was lacking. And some people may not like the fact that the Tyrannosaurus only comes in for the final 10 minutes, and while it would have been nice to see more of it during the movie like in the first, I loved the build-up to its reveal and wouldn't trade that in for more screentime for anything. It was an excellent 'Oh...shit...' moment (though it does beg the unanswered question as to how exactly, it got down to where it was when the characters discovered it, and how exactly it got up to the surface again afterward).

The only thing that really struck me as odd was that there's a picture on the back of the VHS and DVD cases that isn't anywhere in the movie and consists of the Tyrannosaurus Rex eating a woman in a red dress that's nowhere to be seen in the movie. Not sure if it was a cut scene from towards the beginning of the film when the Carnosaurs first attack, or if it was made purely for advertising reasons, but neither that scene nor character is anywhere in the movie. I can't fault the contents of the actual movie itself though, just because the advertisers dropped the ball on one small picture on the back of the box.


There's not really a whole lot more I can say on this movie, as like I said above this movie IS Aliens, but with dinosaurs instead of aliens. You want to go into the specifics of the plot and the various character arcs? You already know them. Read a review on Aliens because anything I'd have to say on this would just be rehashing what you already know from that movie. Fans of Aliens should like this movie for the simple fact that it's the same movie, but with dinosaurs. Fans of the first should like this movie for the simple fact that it keeps what you like from that movie, and improves upon the rest. This is one of those rare movies that not only can I watch it over and over again whenever I so much as look at the cover art, but it's also one of those movies that as soon as the credits start rolling, I could easily go back to the beginning and start it over again right after. It's just that much fun for me.

While the first will always hold a special place in my heart due to my past history with it, this one is without a doubt the actual better movie.

10/10 rooms in the Psych Ward


Mega Piranha (2010)

REVIEW BY: Jeffrey Long



COMPANY: The Asylum

RUNTIME: 93 mins

FORMAT: BluRay

PLOT: Due to genetic altering, an escaped school of piranha fish are not only on a never-ending feeding frenzy but are also growing quite large, quite quickly, as they make their way to more populated areas.

REVIEW: What can I say about Mega Piranha other then I loved it? It took me a bit by surprise as I thought every other 'Mega' movie by Asylum has so far been mediocre at best and didn't quite live up to the surrounding hype, so I wasn't expecting much from this one either. But by the time the credits started rolling, I was left staring at the screen in wonder at what I had just watched: One really kick ass Asylum-made Mega Monster flick!

Sure, it was made solely to cash in on the then-upcoming summer release of the bigger budget theatrical remake of the famous 70's creature feature Piranha, but that didn't stop it from being any less awesome. Actually, while I have not yet seen that remake, I have seen both the original Piranha and the first remake from the 90's, and I can say with complete honesty that I enjoyed this direct-to-video mockbuster far more then I did either of those.


The movie starts off on a small enough scale, with just a seemingly-regular school of piranha fish in Venezuela on an unexplained feeding frenzy, but it's not until they chomp down on some visiting U.S. senators that a U.S. Government Agent is sent in to investigate, and from there things only go from bad to worse as he discovers, with the help of the brainy scientist who created them (played by 80's pop sensation Tiffany), that not only are the piranhas growing and will keep growing indefinitely, but they're also moving up the water system to the ocean (And yes, the characters are just as surprised as the viewer is at the fact that they shouldn't be able to survive in salt water, but are able to). That gives this movie something that I feel the other Mega Monster movies didn't – a pace of urgency. With the other ones I've seen, the monster or monsters are out there, killing people, sure, but other then that there's no real rush to kill it. In this one, they're racing against the clock to stop the piranhas from reaching the ocean for if they do, they'll never be able to be stopped and the rest of the world will be their feeding grounds.

Most other Mega Monster movies start with the monster being large and is just about the military hunting it down and killing it, where as this one they start off at normal size and we're right there with the characters as they try to stop what they think (at first anyway) is just a small problem, as it grows and grows (both the problem and the fish), becoming more and more dire every few minutes, and adding to the above-mentioned urgency. It has a rate of escalation that many other Mega Monster movies just don't have. Where all those movies start large and remain there, this one starts small and keeps growing as the movie continues on.


Another fine point is that, some select scenes and minor characters aside, the acting in this is actually quite good for an Asylum-made movie and definitely helped sell it to me. There was actually one actor, that while I felt his character was more or less useless after the first 30 minutes and his plot ultimately went nowhere (The Venezuelan military General), I never got tired of seeing him on screen because I thought the actor did such an excellent job at stealing every scene he was in and he chewed the hell out of the scenery. It's rare that the most useless main character is also my favorite, and it's all owed to how well he was portrayed.

Along with the better-then-average acting are also the better-then-average-for-Asylum effects for this kind of movie. From the tiny fish, to the bigger rubber versions, right up to the CGI battleship-sized monstrosities, the effects never failed to impress me with these animals, and the effects for them were on full display in many of the great attack scenes, such as when the small school first kills people in the opening scenes, to the slightly-larger rubber version leaping out of the water just to get knifed by our main hero (played excellently by Paul Logan), or when the giant fish propel themselves out of the water and right into clusters of buildings and exploding on impact (for whatever reason), or when they take down a submarine and battleship - They got plenty of screen time, and it was all used to cheesy perfection. The budget on this movie must have been much higher then Asylum normally works with and as far as I'm concerned, it was money very well spent.


If I were to complain about anything, the only part of the movie where I can find room for that would be the ending. Nothing too major, but I thought the way they ultimately dispatched of the massive school of growing Mega Piranhas, didn't really make any sense. You see, first they try to nuke them and the blast is a direct hit, but by that point there were just too many of them and they were just too large that it didn't really do anything beyond temporarily knock them out. So Paul Logan's character comes up with the idea of ripping open one and the blood will send the others into a feeding frenzy. Ok, fine. Sounds good. Except that there's no reason given at all as to why the fish would suddenly start to turn on each other, beyond that one injured fish. And the thing is, whenever we see a shot of them they aren't eating each other, only that one fish. And then the heroes congratulate each other and celebrate and the movie ends. Huh? But the plan didn't even work. At least not that we, the viewer, saw. And even if it did, isn't it quite possible that some...hell, even one...either survived the feeding frenzy or wasn't even around to partake in it? But they never explore that. The characters just assume that plan killed all of them.

And what was with that kiss between Tiffany and Paul Logan at the end? Nowhere in the movie did it even hint in the slightest bit at a romantic relationship between the two. Talk about coming out of left field. Over all though I didn't let the ending bother me too much as it's just one tiny part of an otherwise great movie.

If this movie is any indication of how future Mega Monster movies by The Asylum will be going, then I'd say they have a bright future in store for them in this market.

9/10 rooms in the Psych Ward




Carnosaur (1993)

REVIEW BY: Jeffrey Long


COMPANY: New Horizon

RUNTIME: 83 mins

FORMAT: Special Edition DVD

PLOT: A mad scientist brings carnivorous dinosaurs back to life to set them loose on the world in a bid to destroy humanity and give the world back to the Dinosaurs. To help them along, she also unleashes a deadly dino-virus to infect the women half of humanity.

REVIEW: There are many movies that solidify themselves into your mind as being associated with a particular time in your life. For me, one of those movies is Carnosaur. And the time of my life it always reminds me of? Grade 10 of High School when I first started getting into low budget B-movies. Actually, this is was one of my all-time first low budget B-movies, and for that, I'll always hold a special place in my heart for it.

I've been a huge dinosaur nut ever since I was 3 years old. Possibly even before that, but my memory of being one goes back to when I was 3 (Yes, I actually remember this) and I saw my very first look at a dinosaur – a rubber (and I've since been told a very annoyingly squeaky) toy Triceratops. My parents bought it for me and from that moment on, my life's biggest passion was born – Dinosaurs. Growing up (and still to this day), I have to see anything that has dinosaurs in it, no matter how good or bad. As a kid, that wasn't really a problem – until 1993 when my 8-year-old eyes befell a little VHS tape on the video store shelf called Carnosaur. The dinosaur on the cover looked just awesome (again, at the time and to my kid eyes), as I had never before seen a live-action dinosaur beyond old black and white movies (side note: When I saw Jurassic Park for the first time later that very same year, it blew my friggin' little mind). I looked at the pictures on the back of the box and instantly knew I just had to see this movie. However, when I went to go bring it to my parents to rent it for me, they had forbidden it because it had the dreaded R Rating that has a long and evil history of stopping many young kids in their tracks. Now, to my young mind, I couldn't understand why a dinosaur movie - something I had thought was a topic that was always kid-friendly - was R Rated. Over the years, I kept seeing not only Carnosaur but it's growing number of sequels – first Carnosaur 2 and then Carnosaur 3: Primal Species, always checking out the pictures on the back and thinking how awesome these movies must be. Then in 2001, once I entered Grade 10 in High School and I was able to go out and rent what I wanted, the next time I saw the Carnosaur VHS tape sitting in that video store, I snatched it up and watched it.

And yes...it was bad. Very bad. Horrible. Dreadful even. And I loved every minute of it.


From the get-go you know this will be a very dark movie as we open on a scene of chickens in some kind of factory being caged up and prepared for slaughter, along with images of coded DNA sequences and hints of some kind of gene splicing, all playing to very overly-dramatic dark music. We then we see living chickens from that same place get shipped out in the middle of the night on a truck, where a very badly-obvious puppet baby dinosaur hatches from a large egg in the shipment (which was created on purpose by the movie's resident mad scientist as a means to destroy the world...some how...). It proceeds to slaughter every last chicken before moving onto the driver and then escaping out into the desert.

And thus starts a chain of events that includes, but is not limited to, carnage-filled dinosaur attack of a group of partying teens, tiny baby dinosaur being found in an egg about to be cooked for breakfast, a dinosaur ripping off someone's head, women getting extremely sick from a mysterious flu-like illness, hippies that had chained themselves to construction vehicles as a statement getting slaughtered by a dinosaur, the police trying to solve the mysterious deaths, a woman giving birth to a baby dinosaur, Alien-style, a mysterious group of hazmat-wearing government soldiers killing everyone in their path, and an escaping fully-grown Tyrannosaurus Rex who's head is apparently strong enough to break down a very thick solid stone wall with no damage or pain to itself.

Sure, the script itself makes no sense in the slightest (my descriptions above offer about just as much of an explanation as the movie does for these events), and the acting is what you would expect from a low-budget direct-to-video movie of the early 90's, but there is more then enough gratuitous gore at the hands...err...claws... of the badly-animatronic and puppeted (and in some scenes even rubber-suited) Tyrannosaurus and baby Raptor, with enough horrible and useless dialog that seemed like it was just thrown in there at the last minute with no thought to it (the Jurassic Park reference FTW though), to make any lover of bad movies enjoy this one on at least some level. There's even a very awesomely-bad scene towards the end where we see the Tyrannosaurus Rex fight against the main character in a construction vehicle.


As I said above, this is one dark movie. The tone was set from the opening seconds and it kept that tone right through the entire movie. Just about the entire thing takes place either in a dimly-lit laboratory building or in the darkness of night with the exception of one or two short scenes, and along with our dinosaur killing spree, we also have women coming down with a new sickness and giving birth rather rapidly to baby killer dinosaurs, along with the Government stopping at nothing to stop that sickness from spreading, even if it means murdering everyone. There's also constant pop-up subtitle updates throughout the movie the keep track of how much the sickness has spread, which I thought was a delightfully dark and cheesy thing to do, although I'm sure it's real reason was more-so to just remind the viewer of the side-plot of the sickness when the movie was focusing on a different aspect. Even the ending is one of the most downer and depressing endings to a movie I've ever seen, and was probably the only real way they could have ended this while keeping faithful to the the tone of the rest of the movie. Any other ending would have almost felt like a cop-out.

The only real problem I have is with the characters. Nobody really gets any characterization except for maybe the mad scientist lady. Even the main character himself feels more like a side-character, which I guess isn't really that big of a problem simply because nobody at all is likeable in this movie, including that very same main character. Sure, that also helps add to the dark and depressing tone of the movie, but it was something I wish they had gone in a different direction with. A movie like this really needs a good likable lead character to get behind and root for, especially with a scene like the one I describe above where he climbs into a construction vehicle to battle with the Tyrannosaurus at the end. The only exception I could maybe give is to the town's Sheriff, but really, he was only in all of about 4 scenes, all of which were very short. However, in his very limited time he proves that he is one total bad ass, as right in the middle of town square he blows the rubber head off the Raptor after it's already struck a killing blow to him and he's holding onto his life just long enough to kill the damn thing. Now that's our true hero of this movie, and he ended up hardly being in it.


There was also one scene that went on way too long (a good quarter or more of the movie) where the mad scientist lady proceeds to explain her entire plan to our main 'hero' while he has a gun pointed at her, and the two have a nice little 20-minute chat about it all. I half-expected someone to pull up a table and a set of chairs and offer them tea and crumpets. That entire scene went on way too long and was also quite boring after the first couple minutes. It was a bit of a stumble in an otherwise well-paced movie.

That one section of the movie, unlikable characters, and 0 characterization aside, this is one really fun, albeit quite depressing, low budget bad movie that makes for an excellent drinking game movie with a room of friends one rainy weekend night.

8/10 rooms in the Psych Ward


A note on the Special Edition DVD: This is marked as a Special Edition DVD and thus you would think it would be different then the regular DVD, but really it's not, beyond having 'Special Edition' branded down the left hand side of the cover. That is literally the only difference, so if you already own the regular DVD and see the Special Edition version out and about, you won't gain anything by picking it up again.



Transmorphers 2: Fall of Man (2009)

REVIEW BY: Jeffrey Long



COMPANY: The Asylum

RUNTIME: 90 mins


FORMAT: BluRay


PLOT: In this prequel to the first movie, the robot invaders attack Earth in the present day, forcing a group of humans to band together and seek refuge as their planet falls.


REVIEW:
After having defeated the alien robot menace at the end of the first Transmorphers, there was only one direction to go for Transmorphers: Fall of Man – back in time. For this outing with the giant killer alien robots, instead of a full-on war movie like the first was, we get to see the original invasion that is talked about in the first movie, so it plays more as a global disaster movie then a war movie, and while I love both of those kinds of movies, it doesn't lend to as much over-the-top silly fun battle scenes. Instead we get a very slow start and when things do actually start to happen it's mostly chase scenes of various kinds – foot chases, car chases, air chases, ect, which in my opinion, isn't as fun to watch as futuristic battle scenes, and gets redundant and boring after awhile. Luckily though, the last 20 minutes gives way a bit more to robot war scenes as a pocket of surviving humans launch a guerrilla assault on a nearby alien robot terraforming plant.

But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, so let me start back in the beginning of the movie. The first thing that I noticed in this, is that the backstory on the invasion is actually quite different then how it was said to be in the first movie. In the first movie, it was said that we detected alien life and sent out a message for peace, which was answered by an invasion force and the destruction of our planet. In this movie however, it says/shows that we shot down a UFO over Roswell in the 40's and reversed engineered its technology to create all modern-day appliances and machines. However, that was just a plan by the alien robots to integrate into our society and thus, machines start coming alive and attacking people before sending out a signal to flag the invasion force, which arrives towards the end of the movie. I look at it this way: The events in this movie are the real events behind the fall of Earth, where-as the events mentioned in the first movie are diluted by 400 years of the Chinese Whisper game and thus, the story has changed over time, whether on purpose or not, to make humans think the attack was 100% unprovoked and they were as innocent as pie.


Another difference between the two movies is that the first was a mockbuster in name-only and the movie itself really had nothing at all to do with cashing in on the success of Transformers. This one however had every intent of doing just that. This time, the robots actually transform into modern stuff like vehicles and satellite dishes and the like. There is even a small spider-like cellphone robot that is very obviously a rip-off of Frenzy from Transformers. However, that's all perfectly fine by me. I don't watch a movie titled Transmorphers: Fall of Man and expect Steven Spielberg level of filmmaking. Plus it put forward an interesting idea – How would Transformers have gone, had it only been the Decepticons on Earth and no Autobots? Pretty much exactly as it does here: Total Pwnage of the human race. But with less of a budget.

However, despite the low budget, the movie still manages to look nice. The transforming – errr, transmorphing I mean – really allows The Asylum to show off just how far they've come with their special effects over the last few years, which is miles ahead of what they used to be back when they had made the original Transmorphers. Sure, they may look like shit compared to Michael Bayplosion's transforming effects, but as far as Asylum movies go – the transmorphing effects look excellent. The acting is also a huge improvement over the first movie for the most part, but still not close to the best I've seen from this company. Over all, I'd rank it in the middle, with the occasional really bad actor (Government scientist lady, I'm looking at you). The improved acting at least helped make the characters come across as more realistic and almost like actual people, however the horrible dialog they were given kind of took that realistic approach away again.


Which brings me to my first major problem – the script. Yes, I realize this is an Asylum movie and I'm not expecting cinematic gold or anything, but it still felt to me like one of their worst-written movies. See, one of the strong points of the first movie I had mentioned in my review for that, were the characters. They were likable and interesting and the script made you care for them. I didn't give a shit about any of the characters in this movie, and a large part of that had to do with how badly written they all were. From their actions (What kind of cable repairman carries a friggin' gun in his tool box just in case there happens to be an alien invasion?), to the absolutely dreadful dialog (There is actually a scene where the Government scientist lady describes the difference between an extraterrestrial and an alien is that an extraterrestrial attacks like a friend and an alien attacks like an enemy), as well as horribly stupid plot devices (When told that the satellite dish in the back yard was really an evil alien robot, the Sheriff just instantly believes them), Transmorphers: Fall of Man really comes across as having been written by the laziest writer in the world with no care taken in respect to the first movie beyond giving the main character the same last name as a character from that movie (In this movie he's the main male lead, while in that movie it was the lesbian female General, who I guess is now considered a descendant of this guy).

My other major problem consists of the fact that we never actually see any of the cities being attacked by the evil alien robots. We follow the main characters as they start to unravel the fact that there's a secret invasion going on, they get chased to a military base by a jeep that's a Transmorpher that results in, admittedly, a rather cool action scene in which they destroy the thing but not before it destroyed pretty much everyone and everything in that base and sent a signal out to call in the invasion shock troops. Then as the invasion begins shortly after, but without actually seeing any of it and only hearing about it through dialogue, we follow those main characters as they get out of town and immediately locate a 'hidden' refuge (that was easier to find then Easter eggs on Easter Morning) just outside of the city made up of survivors of the city invasion that we never even got to see. Despite the invasion having just happened, they act like they've been out in the desert for forever. The entire segment was a horrible cop-out that had me severely disappointed. Now it may just be me, but in a movie called Fall of Man, I expect to actually see the fall of man instead of hearing about it in shitty throw-away dialog.


But back to some positives as I like to try to leave my reviews off on a high note. After that cop out of not actually getting to see the invasion, the survivors get word of the Transmorphers setting up terraforming plants all over the world, to change the planet to one that can sustain them. Finding out that one of these plants are nearby (Again, just when exactly did they set these plants up? The invasion just flippin' started 5 minutes ago), they put together a small strike force and head back into the city to take it out, leading to my favorite action scene of the movie, with some pretty gripping kick-ass action beats. This climatic scene alone felt more like the first movie then anything else in this one did. If the rest of the movie had been as good as these final 15 minutes, I wouldn't have many complaints.

I've also noticed that these more recent Asylum movies have started having really good musical scores to them, some of which I'd actually wish they would release on CD so I could buy. There's some that even though the movie is absolute garbage, the score is fantastic and it really helps bring a sub-par movie up to par at times. While there isn't much score in this movie the few tidbits that we do get, especially at the very beginning and the very end, show great promise and I wish we had gotten more of it because it really deserved to be showcased more.

Overall, while the movie improved in some areas over the first, the horrible script brought it down many notches, so I can't really bring myself to give it a better score. From a technical aspect it is definitely better, but from an entertainment stand point I found it not as good as the first Transmorphers and couldn't help but feel a tad let down. Hopefully with Transformers: Dark of the Moon coming out later this year, we'll get a Transmorphers 3 that takes place between this movie and the first, and if made right, it will take the best aspects from this movie, the best aspects from the first movie, and combine them together to form one really kick ass Transmorphers 3. However I wouldn't count on it, as I believe The Asylum reps have stated they're done making sequels.

Alas, I can still hope.

5/10 rooms in the Psych Ward


Transmorphers (2007)

REVIEW BY: Jeffrey Long

  
COMPANY: The Asylum

RUNTIME: 85 mins


FORMAT: DVD


PLOT: A race of alien robots have conquered Earth and forced humanity underground. After a few hundred years, a small group of humans develop a plan to defeat the mechanical invaders in the ultimate battle between man and machine.


REVIEW:
Even though The Asylum is very well-known for their small-budget rip-offs of big budget movies, Transmorphers is actually nothing at all like Transformers and is instead more like the future scenes from The Matrix or The Terminator. It takes place 400 years after an alien race of giant robots take over Earth, and the human resistance lives underground with the occasional trip to the surface for a mission under the cover of darkness. Very simple plot that has been done a half dozen times or so in the last decade alone, yet its a plot that never seems to get old. Much like with the Michael Bay movies, these large robots do transform, but unlike them, they only transform into giant futuristic weapons (and in one case, an actual building to trick the human soldiers), and that's about as close as it comes to Transformers. This movie was originally titled Robot Wars, but then Transformers was announced, so these guys changed the title so they could play off the sure-fire success of the upcoming blockbuster. I almost wish they never changed the title though, because it gets quite a lot of flak for being a Transformers rip-off, when in actuality it's only a Transformers rip-off in name only.


 One thing you can always count on in an Asylum movie without fail, whether it be a mockbuster or an original piece, is the acting. It's always going to be bad, no matter how good the rest of the movie is, and I do believe that this one has some of the worst acting I've ever seen – Asylum movie or not. The acting is beyond atrocious, and I seriously doubt they could have found worse actors even if they purposely went out to find bad actors, and I feel acting can bring an otherwise good movie down, or an otherwise bad movie up. Unfortunately I feel it bogs this one down. Not that I expect good acting from this company, but something better then what I would expect from a Grade 3 school play would have been nice. Another low point of all Asylum movies are the effects – due to the massively low budget this company can afford to give to its movies, the effects are the next aspect to suffer after the acting. Movies made by this company tend to have the worst effects I've ever seen – yes even worse then most of the SyFy Channel Original movies – but I'm not bothered by that. For one, as long as I enjoy the story of a movie and can have some fun with it, I don't mind bad effects, and for two, you can't watch Asylum movies and expect CGI better then something your Stoner friend back in Grade 10 could do after smoking a few grams of weed - these ARE B-Movies after all, and bad acting and effects is part and parcel of that.


 Now I'm sure it sounds like I'm giving the movie a lot of flak, and while its true that you can't review an Asylum movie without listing a novel-length worth of negatives, truth be told though I actually loved the movie and I ended up having a great time in the so-bad-its-good zone (After all, where else can you find a female military general being in a lesbian relationship with one of her soldiers with steamy make-out scenes to boot?), however if you hate these kinds of movies, or movies from The Asylum in general, then stay far away cause this one won't be any different. For those that plan to enjoy this movie for what it is though, be on the look-out for one hell of a plot twist about an hour in, that I can admit I did not see coming at all and I applaud the writer for throwing that in there. These movies tend to be as generic and predictable as they come, but this one threw in a pretty clever plot twist that I wish most big-budget movies would have the balls to do without giving it such a lead-up that a two year old could see it coming (Granted, the most recent Terminator movie did the exact same twist, but this came out several years before then, and did it in a much more subtle way).

Another point in favor of the movie are the characters. I was quite surprised at just how interesting and well-written these characters were - for the most part I actually cared about what happened to them, and I loved watching them on-screen. Whether it be over-acting scenery-chewing as someone casually tells off the General, or just friends standing around and chatting about the old days, or be it in the thick of man vs machine battle with explosions going off all around, I never once got sick of watching these characters, despite the horribly cheesy acting from those portraying them. Actualy if anything, the dreadful acting may have added to the entertainment value. The one issue I do have with this part though, is that the audio isn't very good on the DVD, as there were a lot of instances where people were either talking or out and out shouting at each other, yet you can't hear a single word because the volume of their speaking is very low, compared to the audio of the music soundtrack and explosions, gun fire, and other sound effects. I'd say a good 25% of the dialog in the movie is missed simply because you just can't hear what they're saying, and it's a shame that some of that includes dialog that's supposed to be important to the plot.


If nothing else, this movie is just filled with plain ol' fashion fun. Future resistance fighters blasting away at giant killer robots in a post-apocalyptic world is always fun to watch, no matter how good or bad the movie turns out, as you just know you'll get lots of explosions, swearing, violence, death, and everything else that makes post-apocalyptic evil robot movies fun. It also never stays slowed down for long. The movie starts with a giant battle that goes on for quite some time, then we spend about 15 minutes or so in the underground base to establish our characters (during which we get a 4-way cat fight between a bunch of hot military girls). And then it's back to the surface for another mission, which takes up the remainder of the movie and hardly lets up on the action.

So in the end, yes this movie is far from great, even by Asylum standards, but it is one hell of a fun ride if you don't mind low quality B-movies.

7/10 rooms in the Psych Ward



List of Reviews

Here is the list of all the reviews that are on this blog, for easy access so you don't have to go back pages upon pages to see if I have a certain one. This will be updated every time a new review is posted, with a new author section every time a guest reviewer sends a review on in, which if you've seen a B-Movie and wish to do up a review (of any length) and send it on in as a freelance guest reviewer, then you can shoot an e-mail over to here with the heading of B-Movie Shelf Review and it would be my pleasure to post it. It could even be for one I already have reviewed myself, it doesn't really matter to me - the more content, the better!

Jeffrey Long's Reviews:

2-Headed Shark Attack
13/13/13
40 Days and Nights
100 Degrees Below Zero
100 Million BC
Adventures in Dinosaur City
AE: Apocalypse Earth
Age of Dinosaurs 
Airline Disaster  
Aladdin and the Death Lamp
Almighty Thor
Android Cop - New!
Arachnoquake 
Area 407 
Atlantic Rim, aka Attack From Beneath 
Attack of the Herbals
Barrio Brawler, aka American Brawler 
Battle of Los Angeles
The Bay
Big Ass Spider
Bigfoot
Camel Spiders 
Carnosaur
Carnosaur 2
Carnosaur 3: Primal Species
Cloned: The Recreator Chronicles 
Curse of the Komodo
Decoys
Decoys 2: The Second Seduction
Dinoshark
The Dinosaur Project 
Dragonquest
The Dyatlov Pass Incident, aka Devil's Pass
The Eden Formula
Eko Eko Azarak: Wizard of Darkness
Europa Report 
Fatal Call 
Ghost Shark
The Gingerdead Man
The Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust
The Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver
The Gingerdead Man vs The Evil Bong
Grimm's Snow White
Jailbait, aka 17 & Life: Jailbait
Jersey Shore Shark Attack 
Jurassic Attack, aka Rise of the Dinosaurs
Killjoy
Killjoy 2: Deliverance From Evil
Killjoy 3: Killjoy's Revenge
Killjoy 4: Killjoy Goes To Hell
Komodo vs Cobra 
Lost Tapes: Season 1
Manborg
Manticore
Mega Piranha
Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus
Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus
Metal Tornado
Mihmiverse #1: The Monster of Phantom Lake
Mihmiverse #2: It Came From Another World!
Mihmiverse #3: Cave Women on Mars 
Mihmiverse #4: Terror From Beneath The Earth
Mihmiverse #5: Destination: Outer Space
Mihmiverse #6: Attack of the Moon Zombies
Mihmiverse #7: House of Ghosts
My Super Psycho Sweet 16
My Super Psycho Sweet 16: Part 2
My Super Psycho Sweet 16: Part 3
Nazis at the Center of the Earth 
Nemesis
Nemesis 2: Nebula
Operation Delta Force 
Piranhaconda
Teenage Space Vampires, aka Darkness: The Teen Space Vampire Saga - New!
The Planet
The Prophecy
The Prophecy 2 - New!
Puppet Master - New!
Raptor
Raptor Ranch 
Rise of the Zombies
Rituals, aka The Creeper - New!
Silent Night
Sharknado 
Shark Week, aka Shark Assault
Skinwalker Ranch
Sniper 4: Reloaded
Spiders, aka Spiders 3D
Super Cyclone
Tactical Force 
Transmorphers
Transmorphers 2: Fall of Man 
Universal Soldiers
Unlucky Charms
V/H/S
V/H/S/2
Zombies vs Strippers

Jeffrey's Top 10 B-Movies of 2011
Jeffrey's Top 10 B-Movies of 2012
Jeffrey's Top 10 B-Movies of 2013


Michael Banno's Reviews:
Age of the Hobbits, aka Clash of the Empires
Death Race 2
Death Race 3: Inferno


Bobby Lepire's Reviews:
Dragon Fighter
Jack The Giant Killer
Killer Mountain 
 
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