Early Review of Android Cop (2014)

REVIEW BY: Jeffrey Long

Company: The Asylum

Runtime: 86 mins

Format: Screener

Plot: In the year 2045, a Los Angeles Police Department detective and his new Android partner enter the Zone, a forbidden section of the city plagued with an unknown disease. There, they discover the source of the illness and uncover a troubling Government Conspiracy at the center.

Review: I'm still anxiously awaiting for my BluRay copy of Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark, the third movie in the infamous Mega Shark series, to arrive in the mail, however in the meantime the fine folks at Asylum sent my way a screener of another new movie of theirs to review, Android Cop, set to be released this upcoming Tuesday on February 4th.

As you might guess, Android Cop is very much Asylum's glorious return to mockbusters by riffing on the upcoming RoboCop remake. Asylum has landed themselves in plenty of legal troubles over the last couple years because of their mockbusters (The Day The Earth Stopped, Age of Hobbits aka Clash of the Empires, and American Battleship aka American Warships being the top guilty parties), and because of that it seems lately they just don't do as many mockbusters as they once did. In fact, off the top of my head, the last one I can remember them doing was the After Earth mockbuster, Apocalypse Earth, and that was almost a full year ago in just a couple more months. I love their original stuff as well, don't get me wrong, but I've always held a special place in my heart for Asylum's mockbusters. For one, it was what originally led me to them way back in the days of Snakes on a Train, H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds, and Transmorphers. Secondly, it's always fun to see just how close to the real Hollywood blockbuster it turns out and in turn which one ends up being more entertaining. So yeah, of course I was pretty excited to come home from a crappy day at work to find a screener waiting for me for Asylum's much-anticipated return to mockbusting by way of Android Cop.

Much like with Universal Soldiers, we're kind of just plucked down into the middle of the story without much backstory to go off of, which has always been an annoying story format that I hate. We have to kind of figure out the characters and their relationships with one another on our own, in addition to having to pick up on little throw-away dialog lines here and there in order to grasp just what's going on at the point in the story that we're dropped into. From what I could gather in the opening minutes, Android Cop takes place in a semi-post apocalyptic future. I say semi because we do see shots and have scenes that take place in bustling, glistening, beautiful cities of glass, however this portion of the movie takes place in the rubble and debris of a destroyed and radiation-infected Los Angeles, dubbed "The Zone" by our lead cop character as played by Mortal Kombat: Legacy, Arrow, and Spawn starer Michael Jai White. He and his partner are on some kind of mission into The Zone in search of a specific suspect that is moving among the leftover homeless people, crime lords, and mutated cannibals that reside in what's left of the city. During this mission, something malfunctions with a computer-controlled sentry gun at the border and it accidentally shoots and kills Michael Jai White's partner, thus leading to his distrust of anything computerized and mechanical that isn't fully operated by a human.

Before even the 6 minute mark he's retrieved from The Zone, only to be sent right back in with another team for backup where, once again, they're almost all taken out, this time by street gangs, until a new mysterious robotic police officer shows up, decked out in black body armor gear and a tinted helmet visor – the title character himself, the low-rent RoboCop wannabe with no personality and a strong unwavering attitude against law-breakers, Android Cop (named Andy, but honestly Android Cop sounds so much cooler, so that's what I'll be referring to him as for the review). Of course there's distrust towards him on the part of Michael Jai White's character because he simply just does not trust machines anymore, which frustrates him all the more once they reach back to the precinct in the city and he finds out that this Android Cop, the first prototype in what the higher-ups hope will be the future of Law Enforcement, is to be his new partner.

As you can probably already tell since all that makes up only the first 10 minutes or so, the movie moves at breakneck speed, starting off right in the thick of things and hardly letting you even have a moment to breath till the end. The rest of the movie plays out pretty much as you can expect, with the two of them working together on a top secret case that leads them through the underbelly of their city and out into the anarchy-ridden Zone, with Michael Jai White learning along the way to accept his robotic partner and even, eventually, trust him while the Android Cop finds his humanity, as these things tend to go in these movies, while also inadvertently uncovering a vast Government conspiracy that also involves some of the top-ranking officers in the police force and their very own Mayor.

So yeah, the movie is pretty generic, but it still manages to be a hell of a lot of fun, largely in part cause of the fast pace of it but also because it's another example of an Asylum mockbuster done right. It has tastes of what it's mockbusting (really, the whole robotic cop angle and most of the subplots dealing with that is obviously directly lifted from RoboCop, and the fact that its body is black, as is the new upcoming reboot of RoboCop's, so that isn't fooling anyone), but there's so much more to the movie that it does separate from all that - For example, there's a subplot in here where they discover that when citizens are in life-threatening accidents and are rendered unconscious, their bodies are kept on life-support while their consciousness are secretly transported into replica android bodies, but without their knowledge so they never know (a debate as to the legalities and moral issues of that also pops up), meaning there could be potentially hundreds if not thousands of sleeper Androids walking around, just ready to be activated by a corrupt person in a position to do so. Stuff like that in this movie actually reminded me quite a bit of the final few episodes of Power Rangers RPM (sorry, spoiler for those not caught up on a 5-year old TV show). Hell, there was even a plot twist in regards to that, late into the movie that I initially called earlier on, but totally forgot that I had called while the movie went on, so it still came as a surprise to me when it happened, and it was a very logical and welcomed plot twist at that.

Even the CGI effects, though there's not much with this one, which is an odd thing to say about an Asylum movie as they're usually all decked out in crappy-but-fun CGI money shots, the few we do get consist of some very well-done futuristic flying vehicles and a couple decent explosions. The rest of this movie was done with practical effects, from the Android Cop himself to the Mad Max-style spiked cars and mutant cannibalistic savages that populate The Zone. In matter of fact, while on the topic here, it's pretty safe to say that more than RoboCop gets mockbusted, as there are plenty of shades of movies and shows I've already mentioned, such as Mad Max and even Power Rangers RPM (though I'm doubtful that last one was on purpose), while I also got some vibes reminiscent of The Terminator, Nemesis, and even Lethal Weapon at times. Even if for some strange reason the movie is not keeping your interest on it's own, you should at least be able to have a fun game of 'Guess That Homage/Rip-Off' with your pals, which will keep you occupied right to the end.

The acting was also filled with lots of good stuff to entertain – Michael Jai White especially was in top form, as he always is, and was just as good here as he is in anything else. A lot of bigger named actors, when in movies such as this, tend to not really bother trying I find, but Michael Jai White, I tell ya, really seems to be a professional when it comes to these things. He also had excellent, and at times humorous, chemistry with his Android partner, which is saying something considering one of them purposely had no personality of their own. They only part of their partnership I wasn't a fan of, was the actor they got to play the Android Cop, Randy Wayne of Honey 2 and Dukes of Hazard: The Beginning fame. It's not that he was bad at it, on the contrary he played the role perfectly and put into the buddy-cop chemistry just as well as Michael Jai White did, but my issue comes down to the fact that he's just so short and scrawny, especially when standing next to Michael Jai White, that even with the thick robotic body armor on, he came across like a pipsqueak when on-screen at the same time as him, and that guy only had to bring himself to the table to look pretty threatening. There were times when criminals were sweating off their fear when face-to-face with the Android Cop and I was just left wondering... Why? If anything they should have busted a gut laughing at the visual gag that is this duo of a tall muscular man in nothing but a tight t-shirt and this short skinny guy decked out in thick body armor, yet the level of intimidation being felt by them was reversed from how it should be.

Admittedly though, he did look pretty damn cool whenever he was firing guns off, but considering this is a sci-fi action movie, I wouldn't expect anything less when it comes to the gunplay scenes (of which there are plenty). Other than that, the only times in the movie that he actually came across as looking all that badass and intimidating, was when he had his tinted-visored helmet on, something that doesn't happen very often; He's wearing it when he's first introduced and then he doesn't put it back on again until far later into the movie, however it's in a scene that is almost cheer-worthy when he finally does pick it back up and put it on, because you know he's about to kick some ass and shit is gonna get real.

In addition, Charles S. Dutton even shines nicely here as the corrupt Mayor and plays the role with such gusto that I'm sure he probably thought he was in a theatrical movie, because I can just not see such an established actor putting that much effort to good use in such a low budget B-Movie. Not that I'm complaining, mind you - I'll never, ever, complain about top-notch acting in a B-Movie.

Sure, the movie has a bit rushed and sloppy of a beginning, and the Android Cop himself may have been slightly miscast when it comes to his size and overall visual intimidation level, but there is so much other stuff to love in this movie, and so much more of it that's done surprisingly well, that it's easy to overlook those minor issues and not really be bothered by them come the time the credits roll at the end. Android Cop is more than just a good, fun, entertaining return to mockbusting for The Asylum, it's an all around good, fun, entertaining movie, period. I know that unless the word 'shark' is in the title somewhere than it seems like Asylum never does sequels anymore, but I would love to see a second movie with these characters on another case and foiling another conspiracy of some sort.

If this is the caliber of movies we can be expecting from The Asylum during 2014, than this is going to be one hellof an awesome year to be an Asylum fan.

Dead or Alive, you're coming with... oops, sorry, wrong movie.

9/10 rooms in the Psych Ward

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The 10 Best B-Movies of 2013

 

Like with 2011 and then 2012, this is my Annual list of my personal favorite B-Movie releases of the last year. There is still plenty of movies from this past year that I haven't yet seen, so it's possible I've potentially skipped over a few diamonds in the rough due to that, since this list is based off what I've actually watched myself. Also, this list is solely based off what has hit home video formats and Video On Demand services in 2013, so movies that aired on TV stations like Lifetime or the SyFy Channel this year, but never came out on DVD, BluRay, and VOD services yet, does not count for this. I want this as a list of movies that you could potentially pick up yourself or have easy access to legally obtaining. Likewise, some of these movies may have aired on TV in 2011 or 2012, but didn't actually get released on home video formats or VOD until 2013, thus I count them as 2013 movies for that reason.

The following list won't be in any specific order, as I clearly love all of them for them to even be on the list to begin with, so putting them in any kind of ranking order beyond that is a bit moot.

- Age of Dinosaurs is not just The Asylum's best movie to date, it's also the most just plain fun dinosaur movie I've watched in a long time. Never taking itself too seriously, we get tons of fun-filled dino attack scene after fun-filled dino attack scene that plays like a Best-Of compilation of those classic 'Dinosaur Attacks!' cards. Add to that some of the most impressive CGI to come from Asylum yet, in addition to well-crafted Carnosaur-esque practical effects and puppetry, as well as Treat Williams being Treat Williams, and you have a guaranteed shot at a fun time. You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here. 

 - Found Footage is an easy genre to tackle, yet many movies fumble while trying. Europa Report may not be scary, or even a horror movie. In fact, it's more of a slow-burn character study drama than anything else, set within the plot of traveling through Space to another planet. But the way it handles the Found Footage aspect is among the best I've ever seen, plus the movie is actually really good and well-made as well. You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.

- Exceptional CGI special effects and good acting from some familiar faces dominates Spiders, a fun-filled creepy-crawly killer spider flick released early this year. Starts in with the action pretty quickly and hardly lets-up for its entire runtime. If you're a fan of Creature Features, especially giant killer spider ones, this is surely not one you want to miss. Especially once the giant mutant alien spider starts destroying the city - fun times! You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.
 
 

 - You didn't think I'd have a Best Of list without the most infamous of the 2013 B-Movies, did you? The cult phenomenon surrounding Asylum's Sharknado is arguably even more interesting than anything in the wacky movie itself. Still, by even 20 minutes in it's pretty easy to see why this obtained it's pop culture status, and that's because the movie is as insanely stupid... and awesome... as it sounds, and B-Movie fans are sure to love every minute of it. You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.

 - Attack From Beneath, aka Atlantic Rim was Asylum's well-timed mockbuster of Pacific Rim, and while it may have had a teeny tiny fraction of that Hollywood movie's gigantic budget, it's every bit as entertaining. Acting and Effects are top-notch stuff for an Asylum production, and it was filled with a non-stop supply of hilariously-delivered one liners and fun popcorn action scenes involving Power Rangers-esque Mech Robots battling giant monsters. What more can you want in a low budget B-Movie? You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.

- Having already hit Home Video everywhere else in the world last year, Grabbers, an Irish monster horror/comedy in the style of Shaun of the Dead and Slither, only hit American VOD services this year. You know you're in for a hilarious good time when a movie deals with a slimy tentacled alien invasion where the beastie of note is allergic to alcohol so the remaining townsfolk have to get totally and completely hammered at the local pub in order to fight it. Why this amazing little gem is having such a difficult time finding proper distribution in America, I'll never know.

- The only Christopher R. Mihm movie I don't yet have a review done for, but that doesn't mean that The Giant Spider isn't a fun movie worthy of a spot in his filmography. It just means, honestly, that I've been lazy. The Giant Spider is a great and hilarious black and white homage to the classic 1950's monster B-movies with the best style of effects seen in a Mihm movie yet. It's super short runtime also means there's very little of the movie where something fun isn't happening. Though due to the massive amounts of references to past Mihm movies I wouldn't recommend starting with this one, but for fans of his filmography, you do not want to miss it.

- After two comedic entries (one of which I loved, one I think is the worst movie ever made), the Child's Play series returns to it's straight-up horror roots with this new entry. It's smaller budget is very much noticeable, but that doesn't stop Curse of Chucky from being a very worthy return to form. Includes good kills, good Chucky lines, loads of tension, and some references to all previous movies, so mix those things with its return to its horror roots, and every fan of the classic movies should be happy with this one.

- Frankenstein's Army is one creepy WWII-set Found Footage horror movie that includes not only an interesting story, well-placed tension, and buckets of blood and gore, but also amazing monster designs worthy of a theatrical movie, with excellent practical effects to bring those designs to life. However, Frankenstein's Army is a prime example of a Found Footage movie that I think could have been even better had it been a traditionally-shot movie instead of Found Footage.

- Not only one of my favorite B-Movies of the year, Big Ass Spider (previously Mega Spider) is one of my favorite movies of the year, period. Well acted, well-done CGI spider effects, a good story, and equal parts hilarious and just plain awesome. Out of all the movies on this list, this is the one that should have had a wide theatrical release because the overall quality and talent on display here is really fitting of that. You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.



All in all, another great year for B-Movie fans, and seeing as how a grand total of three of these movies on my list are killer spider movies, it's safe to say that 2013 was the Year of the Spider for me and it was great seeing the shark dethroned for a year (even though there were a couple fun shark titles as well, such as Ghost Shark). And while these are just my personal favorite ten, there are still plenty of other good, fun, worthy B-Movies from this past year that fans can sink their teeth into as well.

Actually, below you'll find three such movies that almost made my list but, for one reason or another, just couldn't quite be included.

 HONORABLE MENTIONS

- Jurassic Attack still has not yet been released in America, other then on the SyFy Channel as Rise of the Dinosaurs. It also has just a few too many minor flaws that add up enough to prevent it from being included among the 'Best of the Best' for me, but it was still one really fun ride of a dinosaur adventure movie that I enjoy re-watching from time to time and that is certainly worth your time if you can land yourself a copy. You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.

 

 - Another SyFy-aired movie that has yet to be released, Grave Halloween was a big surprise for me as I found it to be far above the caliber of the Original Movies SyFy tends to air. Being more of a creepy, atmospheric, haunting kind of movie, Grave Halloween dealt with the infamous and spine-tingling real-life location of Aokigahara, Japan's Suicide Forest, which is a terribly depressing and creepy location even when not factoring in the ghost legends. However, as much as I enjoyed it as a whole, I do have major issues with a couple parts, including the entire climax.

 - The Dyatlov Pass Incident (or Devil's Pass as it's been renamed in America) has an amazing near-perfect first half that acts great as a "Dyatlov Pass Incident 101" of the real-life mystery that the movie is based around. It's also atmospheric as hell, creepy, mysterious, and well acted. That first half is among my favorite stuff of the year, especially when it comes to Found Footage. But it all utterly comes apart during the second half of the movie, which in turn just about ruins it all for me. To understand further as to why, you can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.

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Early Review of Jailbait/17 & Life: Jailbait (2014)

REVIEW BY: Jeffrey Long

Company: The Asylum

Runtime: 91 mins

Format: Screener

Plot: After killing her stepfather in self-defense, Anna Nix is sent to a juvenile detention center. As she struggles to survive in a world of girl gangs and predatory guards, kind-hearted Anna must fight her dark side to stay above the fray.

Review: While still technically on my self-imposed Christmas Break from this blog, Asylum-Regular Jared Cohn (director of such Asylum classics as 12/12/12, Hold Your Breath, and one of my personal favorites Attack from Beneath, aka Atlantic Rim) asked if I would be interested in receiving a screener copy of his latest film for that company for early review, Jailbait (also referred to as simply as 17 & Life, or even 17 and Life: Jailbait) so of course I jumped at the chance. Unfortunately that was before I was plagued by a seemingly a never-ending stream of computer and Internet issues which prevented me from watching the movie or updating my blog for almost a month, but now with all those issues sorted out I was finally able to sit down and give this gritty prison-set drama/thriller a look-see.

And ohhh boy. Gritty is a bit of an understatement here. Jailbait is the kind of dark and gritty throwback to 1970s prison sexploitation flicks that makes you feel icky and dirty just watching it, and chances are if you're any bit normal and right in the head you'll feel like you need to take a shower right after watching it to wash off all the mental dirt and grit.

It starts right from the get-go with setting the tone that is to follow during the entire movie – lead actress Sara Malakul Lane plays a pleasant and shy cello-playing girl that ends up getting violently beaten and raped by her father, who she then accidentally murders while defending herself. It's this act that lands her in the prison that the main bulk of the movie takes place in, and things only get worse for her from there, having to deal with corrupted guards, brutal beatings by her fellow female inmates, continuous rape by the Warden, constant fighting and brawls with rival gangs, drug addiction, and having to go up against guards in full riot gear during scraps that get way out of hand (as well as plenty of other similar-style situations that I'll leave for you to discover on your own). It's almost hard to believe that in real life director Jared Cohn and actress Sara Malakul Lane are actually an item, because he really does not hold back on constantly putting her character through one horrifying deprecating act after another, and hardly a scene goes by that doesn't end with her naked. And what makes it all the more brutal and hard to watch is that everything that happens to her is portrayed and shot in a very realistic manner, almost at times feeling like it's on the verge of being a snuff film.

A movie like this is so gritty, disturbing, and filled with certain content matter that makes it certainly not for everyone. However if you like delving into the 1970s prison/sex exploitation movies of old, this is a great and faithful throwback to those kinds of movies so I'm sure you'll enjoy it, and you can even check it out for yourself on Tuesday, February 18th when it comes out on home video formats in 2014.

Personally though, for me, I'm not a fan of those kinds of movies and tend to not really give them a second glance because quite frankly, I just don't feel comfortable with a lot of the subject matter that usually comes with them. However, there's no denying the level of talent on display here in Jailbait (or 17 & Life: Jailbait if that's the version of the title they ultimately go with) - From Jared Cohn's stylistic directing that fits the tone of the movie very well and even helps hold it up a bit higher than what you would expect from such a film, to Scott Glasgow's moody and foreboding musical score, right down to Sara Malakul Lane's excellent ranged performance that without, there would have been no way her character, nor her character's mental journey and transition, would have been sold nearly as well to the audience.

In addition to her, most of the other actors here, especially when it comes to a couple of the more recurring prisoner characters like the ones played by Erin O'Brien and Jennifer Robyn Jacobs, and even the perverted Warden as played by Steve Hanks, also bring better-then-expected performances. Between all these people, the movie is given much more finesse then you would expect not just from a gritty sexploitation film like this one, but from an Asylum film in general. Yes it's a dirty, gritty, disturbing, and at times perverted film that deals with rape, beatings, and drug addiction among many other things, but it never once feels like it's reveling in that but instead approaches it from an almost respectful manner (well, as respectful as you can be, given the subject matter), and the whole package delivers a high level of tension that is sure to leave you on the edge of your seat and ends in a pretty worthy payoff by the time the credits start rolling. 

My only real complaint about the whole affair is the lack of actual plot. The movie moves from one uncomfortable-to-sit-through scene after another, during which we get to see the main character transform from who she is at the beginning of the movie to who she becomes during it, but there's not really any plot to speak of and most of the scenes, honestly, could be rearranged and take place in a different order and the movie itself wouldn't really be any different.

While it's no secret that I didn't care for 12/12/12, I thought Hold Your Breath was competently-made and Atlantic Rim (or rather Attack From Beneath) was one of the most fun times I've spent with an Asylum movie to date. However, putting aside my own personal preference of not really liking some of the subject matter here and speaking purely in terms of the filmmaking and the level of talent, Jailbait is easily the best from both Jared Cohn and Sara Malakul Lane to date and it makes me excited to see what these two do throughout 2014, be it together or separately.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take that shower.

8/10 rooms in the Psych Ward

 

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13/13/13 (2013)

REVIEW BY: Jeffrey Long

Company: The Asylum

Runtime: 87 mins

Format: Screener

Plot: For millennia, calendars have added an extra day every four years. In doing so, they violated the ancient Mayan calendar. Now we are in the 13th month of the 13th year of the new millennium, and the few who survive will have to battle a world of demons.

Review: The Asylum's been releasing a nice little unconnected trilogy each year for the past few years, of numbered titles. I'm talking about 11/11/11 during the fall of 2011, 12/12/12 during the fall of 2012, and now 13/13/13 during the fall of 2013. For the most part they're unconnected, but they kind of are related, thematically - well, at least the first two, while this one much more loosely.

See, both 11/11/11 and 12/12/12 deal with demon children. In the first it's about a boy that turns 11 on 11/11/11 and he's meant to be the anti-christ. I never did a review of that one, but it was a decent effort – great atmosphere, some creepy Omen-esque scenes, and a great climatic third act. 12/12/12 (again, I never did a review of that one) dealt with a baby being born at 12:12 on 12/12/12 and that baby is, once again, the anti-christ, only in this version it's actually demonic from the start, looking like a demon baby and knowing full well that it's a demon baby and it kills all those around it that tries to get in its way of...well, it's never really made clear. Bringing about the apocalypse? I don't know for sure cause that movie was a total and utter unintelligible mess of characters acting out of character from scene to scene, story jumping around with no logic or proper story structure to it, and a complete lack of any sort of climax or satisfying ending. It was just plain dumb.

Well 13/13/13 (a title that, sadly, took me way longer then I'm proud to admit to realize doesn't really make sense, initially) does indeed once again deal with demons (sort of. We're told they are demons on the cover art and in the synopsis on the back, but that's about all we have to go on for that), but it's not very kid-centric like the first two. Sure, there are some scenes of a kid being involved in the weird going-ons, but it's not exclusive to kids - this thing is just affecting everyone, adult and kid alike, so it kind of breaks the mold there. For good or bad (depending on the entry), I actually kind of like the idea of an annual Asylum-made anthology movie series where the movies themselves aren’t directly related, but they all share the same theme – that being child demons, and they each are titled #/#/# (insert proper year number where applicable), but each with it's own unique story, made by a different director, so it's kind of disappointing that they break away from that mold here, however in the greater scheme of things that honestly doesn't matter much because that was just my own personal pet preference and never anything that was promised.

As it turns out, the title does actually make sense within the context of the movie, for reasons that I'm sure anybody can easily guess, but just in case you can't, it deals with clocks mysteriously changing to 13:13 for no reason, and weird behavior coming over a large percentage of the population, such as squishing and eating bugs off the ground, scratching non-stop at their skin, cutting themselves, random and total uncontrollable anger overtaking everyone, which in turn leads to the hospitals filling right up and essentially the world outside turning to shit, and it doesn't take long at all after that before the world just descends into utter chaos everywhere as everyone starts becoming gleefully overly-violent crazy but almost in a zombie apocalypse kind of setting (if anyone ever saw 2007's The Signal, it's kind of similar to that movie, but without the actual signal transmission part). As it turns out, thanks to the leap years and some other mumbo jumbo they half-explained it away with, our current understanding of the calendar is wrong and we're now supposed to have a 13th month of which this is, as well as the 13th day of  said month, during, obviously, the year 2013, and that has somehow opened everyone up to this plague of rage-violence (which we're never given a why they are opened up to that), with the exception of those born on a rare leap day of which our main leading man was, although reasons why for that are also left pretty vague. Even the brief explanation we do get is delivered to us from some at-the-time random distraught character in the hospital who is also safe from being infected, although once again it's also never once explained how she actually knows all this. As you can see, pretty much nothing at all in the movie ever actually gets explained, except for the fact that we now have a 13th month due to calendar issues. That's about it for explanations. In more capable hands I could see that almost being on purpose, but the things we don't get explanations for here are very obviously just due to lazy writing and nobody that's involved ever really giving a shit.

In addition, the movie's dialog is just downright awful, with terribly-structure conversations and really awkwardly-delivered exposition all over the place, with hardly any spoken words coming across as anything even close to sounding natural. Of course it's not helped by the fact that the actors are atrocious, even by the low standards set by other Asylum titles. Yes, this is indeed a new low in the acting department and honestly it made portions of the movie that were otherwise just fine, very hard to sit through without feeling embarrassed for everyone on-screen. It wasn't helped by the fact that the number 13, whether directly related to the movie's title or not, gets thrown around way too much, being shoehorned and forced into the dialog at least once every single conversation and showing up, visually, in what seemed like every single scene. We get it, the movie's title is 13/13/13. Can we finally move on now? Nope? Ok then...

While all those things really bring the movie down quite a bit, there actually is still a bit here for fellow Asylum-Lovers to enjoy. For instance, with everyone getting angry over every little thing and loosing their minds to utter insanity, in addition to seeing all the people in the hospital that have cut themselves and done other unspeakable things to themselves, or others who have had said unspeakable things done to them (eye gouging scene for the win), there's a great sense of growing unease, especially since at that point (or any point, really) we still have no idea why any of this is happening, so we're just as in the dark as the main character. It's helped along by some truly downright creepyimagery, like our main leads walking down an abandoned hospital hallway with the walls streaked all over with blood, or a crazy person using his own blood from his own gouged stomach to write a giant 13 on the wall of a house, or any shot where we're following our main characters in the front and center focus of the camera but we can see behind them people being ripped into or torn apart or violently attacked in some other fashions, it's pretty much images directly from your nightmares realized right on the screen. Also, during parts of 12/12/12 and the entirety of Rise of the Zombies the folks at Asylum utilized this blue tinting to the screen for whatever stylistic choices, but it had yet to be used to as great effect as it is in this movie. No extra attention is drawn to it, but having this weird blue tinting actually helped add to the unnatural feel of everything, further that troubling sense of unease.

While the events of the movie unfolded around our two main characters, it also kept cutting back to these two best friends holed up inside a house, trying to keep the other crazy insane infected people out, while also totally unraveling themselves, and oddly enough these parts of the movie did not annoy me as much as I expected them to. Sure, there were times I wish the movie hadn't cut to them as it ruined the flow and momentum that had been building with our two leads, but most of their scenes were an even mix of creepy and hilarious, and it was quite interesting that I found myself wondering and worried about when these two crazed best buddies would start turning on one another. It was a side-plot that while not needed, I still actually enjoyed for the most part, although I could have done with a tad less of it.

Also, I would be remissed if I did not mention a little factoid that I found interesting (though I'm pretty sure I'm the only one amused by this) – one half of the main character duo for this, the female character, was played by Erin Coker who also had a role in 11/11/11, and in addition to that Jared Cohn had a cameo role here and he was also the director of 12/12/12, so it's kind of amusing that once again, these three movies indirectly tie together in unexpected ways.

By the time the credits rolled on 13/13/13, I found that I didn't enjoy it quite as much as I did 11/11/11, but despite it's many issues it was still waaayyyy better then 12/12/12. Overall I can't deny it's a troubled movie, and I went back and forth quite a bit as to if I was going to land my score on a 5/10 or a 6/10, but in the end I still kind of enjoyed this nice little addition to the annual Demonic Numbers anthology, as I like to call it (11/11/11, 12/12/12, 13/13/13 and they all deal with demons, of sorts, hence the Demonic Numbers Anthology), and while it may not be the best in the so-far 'trilogy', it is the creepiest and the one that portrays a strong sense of unease and dread the best. It's just a shame that it's weighed down quite heavily by abysmal acting and downright lazy writing.

I hope they find some way to continue this next year with 14/14/14 because I'm interested in seeing where they go next with the demon ideas, but if not then 13/13/13 was still a nice capper to the Demonic Numbers Anthology, starting things a bit low-key and local in 11/11/11, opening the mayhem up a bit and leaving things off on a promise-to-come of total insanity during 12/12/12, and now ending everything in worldwide chaos and the end of the world in 13/13/13. Like I said, none of these three movies are directly related or tie in to one another in any sort of story ways, but thematically they actually play quite well from one to the next and almost fit together like pieces of some sort of awkward puzzle. If they do continue with 14/14/14 next year I have no idea what they can do and where they can take it from here, but I'm still a bit curious to find out.

5/10 rooms in the Psych Ward

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The 10 Best B-Movies of 2012

At the end of 2011 I did a Best B-Movies of 2011 list and I always intended that to be an annual post I do up around New Years of every year. Suffice to say I totally and completely forgot all about it come the end of 2012, so while this list is a bit late, at least it's better late then never!

Now to be honest, this entire list is pretty much being done on the spot, with no research behind it other then my own memory of what I saw that year, mixed with what I could find in my collection here at home and what reviews I may have done, plus which ones still stick out as having been really good in my memory after all this time, so forgive me if I ended up forgetting some by accident. Also, there is still plenty of movies from last year that I haven't yet seen, so it's possible I've potentially skipped over a few diamonds in the rough due to that as well, since this list is based off what I've actually watched myself. Also, this list is solely based off what has hit home video formats in 2012, so movies that aired on SyFy that year, but never came out on DVD or BluRay, does not count for this. I want this as a list of movies that you could potentially go out and pick up yourself and have easy access to obtaining. Likewise, some of these movies may have aired on TV in 2011, but didn't actually get released on home video formats until 2012, thus I count them as 2012 movies.

The following list won't be in any specific order, as I clearly love all of them for them to even be on the list, so putting them in any kind of ranking order is a bit moot.

 - With how many rants I go on about the overabundance of killer shark movies, it surprises no one more then me that 2012 saw the release of some admittedly really fun and entertaining ones, showing there is indeed still life to the sub-genre, in the right hands. Jersey Shore Shark Attack works equally as good as a fun mindless summer popcorn killer shark B-Movie as it does as just an intelligently-written parody of the hit MTV show Jersey Shore that both fans and haters of the show can enjoy. You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.

- Yeah, yeah, I got two shark movies on here, after going on tons of rants about them. So sue me. 2-Headed Shark Attack, released by The Asylum, was the first bit of fresh life breathed into the shark genre that I saw in a long time, upon its release at the very beginning of 2012. I mean, how can you be a fan of B-Movies but say no to a killer shark with TWO heads? You get everything you'd expect out of this movie, plus more, all wrapped up in one hell of a fun package. You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.

- The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption is secretly a competition between Ron Perlman and Billy Zane as to who can chew more scenery. Spoiler: Billy Zane does, and then some, earning the movie's entertainment factor just on his own. However it also helps that it's actually a fun fantasy adventure which takes place after the first movie, with an actor that actually resembles The Rock, and includes epic battle scenes that have far larger of a scope then you would expect from a cheapie Direct-to-Video sequel.

 - Having aired on SyFy as a 3 hour mini-series, Neverland is a re-imagined origin story of Peter Pan, Hook, The Lost Boys, and how they all came together in Neverland. Amazingly fun for fans of the Peter Pan tale, though not without some questionable changes to the mythology. Makes up for it though by having Rhys Ifans play the best rendition of Hook I've ever seen, and Bob Hoskins returning to the role of Smee for the first time since 1991's Hook.

- Continuing the Syfy/Asylum team-up tradition of making and airing a zombie movie around Halloween, Rise of the Zombies is every bit as entertaining as 2012: Zombie Apocalypse, and then improves upon it. Great cast line-up, excellent zombie effects work, some unexpected twists, and a hell of a lot of gore. If anything, this movie might push things a bit too far, but it's still very well made considering it's a TV movie. You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.

 - The Haunting of Whaley House earns a special place here because I'm normally not a big fan of The Asylum's haunted house/ghost movies as I find they are never as scary or clever as they seem to think they are...but this one scared the god damn bejesus outta me. Good acting, great special effects, some good gore, and genuinely frightening as all hell, this is the first and currently only Asylum-made movie that actually made me sleep with my lights on that night.

- As a big fan of the original Silent Night, Deadly Night it came as a huge shock when I ended up loving the remake, Silent Night. Though apart from a few minor nods, it has nothing at all in common with the original, and I think that's for the better as, and I'm sorry to say this but, I actually prefer this stylish quirky horror remake over the original. Fun inventive death scenes, hilariously campy characters, and a creepy-looking killer Santa, all wrapped up in some Christmas cheer! You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.

- As a fan of the entire trilogy, My Super Psycho Sweet 16, Part 3 may not be the best movie in the series, but it's still a really fun entry all the same, and an excellent ending to the trilogy. If you're a fan of either of the first two movies in this MTV-made teen horror movie series, you'll enjoy the final climatic showdown that this movie is, quite a bit. You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.

 - Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes is one of the better, more effective, found-footage movies to come out of 2012. Sure, some of the characters are annoying and some of the ad-libbing from the actors doesn't quite work out so great, but it tackles a topic I love, while feeding pretty accurate information to the viewer, in addition to quite a good handful of creepy and atmospheric scenes, with a final shot that is sure to stick with you, leave you scratching your head, and rushing to turn the lights on all at once.

- No surprise that so many Asylum movies make it to this list every year, since they are my favorite of the low budget B-Movie companies, but out of all of them Nazis at the Center of the Earth is my Top Asylum Pick for all of 2012. Zombie Nazis, Secret Breakaway Civilizations under Antarctica, and UFOs - some of my favorite conspiracy theories all under one movie, and then some extras..like a Robo-Hitler. Let that sink in. Ok, so, yeah, enough said on this, I believe! You can read my full previously-posted review of this one here.

HONORABLE MENTION

- One of my top favorite B-Movies of all of last year, Arachnoquake really does deserve a spot on this list. However it only ever aired on TV on the SyFy Channel and Space Channel here in North America and never did get a Region 1/A DVD or BluRay release thus, by my own rules, I can't include it in the actual list. Still, this movie defines the word 'Fun', as it has a group of survivors running through a near-abandoned New Orleans from growing-larger-every-minute killer albino spiders that can shoot fire, all with an air of quirky fun-loving cheese that's in on the joke as
                                          opposed to being the butt of the joke. You can
                                          read my previously-posted review of this one
                                         here.

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Rise of the Zombies (2012)

REVIEW BY: Jeffrey Long

Company: The Asylum

Runtime: 90 mins

Format: BluRay

Plot: A group of survivors hide on Alcatraz Island to escape from the rising zombie hordes. When their refuge is overrun, and upon hearing that a scientist hiding in the middle of the city may have discovered a cure, they leave the island to seek him out.

Review: A couple years ago the SyFy Channel and Asylum got together for a co-produced project for Halloween called 2012: Zombie Apocalypse. I ended up enjoying that one quite a bit, even though I felt it got really repetitive, had no plot to speak of, and the zombie actors were pretty terrible. Well it seems Syfy and Asylum joining together for a zombie flick is becoming an annual Halloween tradition as they did it again last year with the just-as-bland titled Rise of the Zombies.

Luckily, the saying 'Practice Makes Perfect' rings true here. While the movie itself may not be perfect, it's certainly a nice improvement over an already decently-entertaining previous movie. For starters, the zombie actors were a lot better this time, never once taking me out of the movie and making me go 'Wow, that person is trying way too hard to act like a zombie' like what happened multiple times during 2012: Zombie Apocalypse. It also helped quite a bit that the make-up and prosthetics looks much better this time around; A lot more realistic and less like, well, make-up – plus they also threw in some really unique and chilling zombie designs for the occasional one, to keep things fresh. Actually, there is one scene with a zombie that has a very contorted body that was just genuinly creepy to look at. I don't think there's a single zombie movie that has had even one scene that creeped me out in the last decade (with the exception of the 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake), but the scene in this movie with that contorted zombie managed to do just that.

Actually the effects all around were heavily improved this time, and not just the make-up effects. CGI zombie head shots as well as an awesome car crash near the beginning were both improved over the CGI from the previous year's flick, and this one even had some pretty entertaining, albeit gruesome, practical zombie kills. Hell, within the first two minutes of the movie you see a zombie get its head smashed right in with a giant wrench and beat to a pulpy mess, and all throughout the movie you get super gory shots of zombie hordes ripping people apart and feasting on their intestines and other inside organs – and all of this in a made-for-TV movie! In all honesty, in terms of violence and gore, this movie is right up there with AMC's The Walking Dead, including an extremely disturbing and uncomfortable hard-to-sit through baby delivery and what follows directly after. This is weird to say about a TV movie, but there were points in the movie where it almost felt like they were taking things a bit too far in order to make things as disturbing and depressing as possible, and I actually could have done with a tad less of some of that. The baby scene I just mentioned is actually a prime example of that, as I felt it was done in a bit of bad taste and seemed to only be included purely for shock value and to see how far they can go with some things.

In terms of plot, parts of this movie isn't far off from The Walking Dead either. Much like with the current season of that show that was airing during the time of this movie's release, Rise of the Zombies has our main band of survivors holed up in an abandoned prison for a portion of the movie, though they do end up having to leave and head out into the nearby city in order to locate a specific scientist’s lab where they know he had been working on a vaccine, so they can get his notes and research from before he had died. It certainly doesn't have any great in-depth thinking man's kind of plot or subtext to it like what you would get in an early Romero zombie movie, but if you're just looking for a nice SyFy Channel B-Movie to watch some weekend night with a couple beer, and you're in the mood for some gory zombie mayhem, this one comes highly recommended by me. Plus this kind of plot paved the way for a variety of fun settings for some of the zombie action to take place in, settings like both inside and outside of the prison, through abandoned city streets and small neighborhoods, inside rather large and luxurious-looking homes, a secret underground government facility, and (just like the previous movie) a shipyard and dock. Actually, if I had any major complaints with the plot it would be that it kind of devolves into just following the steps of the previous movie a bit too much during the ending, with the survivors having to reach the docks of the city in order to wait for a boat that will arrive to bring them to a zombie-free paradise, and of course the docks are not as 'clear of zombies' as they are supposed to be. Sadly this movie didn't have anything as interesting or unique as zombie tigers for their version of that scene, so not only was it just a repeat scene with different actors, but it also (for the first time this movie) wasn't done as well either.

Something else that, while better then the previous movie, also wasn't very good, was the acting - but that usually comes part and parcel with these kinds of movies, so that should always be expected here anyway. I was actually surprised however by how many recognizable faces were actually in this. Going in, I already knew about long-time actress Mariel Hemingway, Levar Burton from Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Danny Trejo in his second SyFy Channel movie of 2012 (the first being Haunted High, aka Ghostquake, back in August 2012), but I had no idea beforehand that Ethan Suplee (My Name is Earl, countless Kevin Smith movies), French Stewart (Stargate, 3rd Rock From The Sun), and Chad Lindberg (The Fast and the Furious, Ash from Supernatural) were all in this as well, in addition to some regular Asylum faces like Heather Hemmens (3 Musketeers, Hellcats) Madonna Magee (11/11/11), and Andy Clemence (3 Musketeers, 11/11/11, Air Collision). With so many great names, it's actually a pretty big disappointment that the acting on display wasn't better then it was, but I suppose everyone is allowed an off day every now and then.

All in all though, this was a highly enjoyable low budget zombie flick from the folks at SyFy and the folks at Asylum. Not perfect, because the acting was below what you would expect from this roster of actors, plus I probably could have done without quite so much of the totally unforgiving disturbing stuff that seemed only added in so they could see how far they could push the envelope and get away with it, but at the end of the day this turned out to be one of Asylum's better efforts and I was impressed more often then I was let down.

While I haven't done so yet, I imagine that Rise of the Zombies would make a great double-feature some rainy weekend night with 2012: Zombie Apocalypse, although watching both  back-to-back may give you the feeling of deju vu in some parts toward the end. Still, I think it'd be a fun experiment to see how well they mesh together, although you would almost have to put this one second just because it's the far superior film and I always like to end things off on a high note.

9/10 rooms in the Psych Ward

 

 

 

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Jack The Giant Killer (2013)

REVIEW BY: Bobby LePire

Company: The Asylum

Runtime: 90 mins

Format: BluRay

Plot: After climbing a giant beanstalk, Jack discovers a land in the clouds populated by evil beasts. When the beasts make their way down to Earth, he must figure out how to get back down and save everyone from the oncoming threat.

Review: Generally speaking, I am always stoked to see any film made by those maestros of mockbusting, The Asylum; this time around being no different. As they have done multiple times in the past, they have dipped into the fairy tale well, and Jack the Giant Killer (or simply just The Giant Killer in some parts of the world) is the result - their spin on the Jack And The Beanstalk tale - which was just in time to mockbust the big budget 'Jack The Giant Slayer'.

Whereas their theatrically released counterpoint was a medieval fantasy adventure, Asylum's movie is set in the United Kingdom, during an anachronistic pseudo-1950s, which adds a timelessness feel to the whole outing. Along those same lines would be the impressive locales and set design throughout, especially in the Cloud Realm; which is the land that the beanstalk leads to. The rather well rendered CGI'd flying castle, with its Victorian era steampunk outer aesthetic and hodgepodge of factory/sail boat inner aesthetic, contributes to that as well. The best here though is the stunning interior of the main villainess' palace. Combining ancient Greco-Roman statues and columns with 16th century European furnishings, with an early 20th century electric bent, and lots of long roaming tracking shots in there really do show it off. However, even the most amazing sets and production design wouldn't mean Jack (pun indented) if the story and characters weren't compelling or interesting. Luckily, The Asylum gives plenty of room for both an engaging fantasy-action plot and some solid characterizations. As discussed above, updating this from the original's medieval setting to a more modern one does help give it a unique look, but there are other fun twists on the old story that make this one of the Asylum's best movies, in my opinion.

The most interesting twist is that Jack's father, Newald, who has been trapped in the Cloud Realm since just before Jack was born, is the one that killed all of the original humanoid giants. Because of this, Jack has to contend with the beasts that those Giants had been keeping in check - giant dino-rhino-elephant-dog creatures that have six eyes, scales, thick hide, and a triceratops-esque skull (yes, as in no skin on it). I really enjoy the design here, looking simultaneously familiar and original. It helps that the CGI is above average, but I'll be getting to that momentarily. The next story element that got me really excited while watching is how time works in the Cloud Realm - One day there equals a year on Earth. This isn't just an allowance to cast Jack's dad younger (he's 29, which is only a few years older then Jack himself at this point), but becomes a pivotal plot point for the main Evil Queen Serena's arc. The implementation here works very well, as it's not just some throw away line, or forgotten subplot.

Another little interesting tidbit for this one is that there are three stalks featured: Two we see, the first being the one that whisks Jack away, with the second bringing his love interest/robot exoskeleton-building mate (yeah, that's as awesome as it sounds) to the fantasy land as well. The third, only mentioned, is the original stalk that brought Newald to the Cloud Realm. Having so many beanstalks adds depth to the world and its various rules, for instance each nightfall, on Earth, the stalks dissolve into harmless dust which adds some tension later on in addition to just giving things that little extra informative detail. The most intriguing rule though is that the only person who can travel a beanstalk is the one who planted it, and the vines of the beanstalk will attack anyone else that comes near it. This becomes grounds for some solid and intense action scenes throughout, filled with some of that previously-mentioned excellent CGI.

I know I just spent a long time talking about the world building here, and that's not only because there are lots of cool ideas at play, but because in a fantasy setting (and sci-fi for that matter, both of which this movie could fall under) it's important to have a fully believable world that seems to exist outside the confines of the movie you are watching. The Asylum, even in their worst movies, tend to make a pretty good go of this, which in my opinion is one of the reasons they are so popular. While I haven't seen every movie made by them, I have yet to see one that had as much care and thought put into their movie worlds as done here.

Now, as I stated above, the CGI here is, for the most part, very good. Lots of interesting designs, well-rendered, and some nice added small details here and there (such as the blinking of the individual six eyes on the giant beasts or the gears turning on the amazing flying castle - I really love this flying castle, guys!) The beanstalks look appropriately massive, and the practical vine effects don't look too rubbery or fake, with the stalks being integrated into the physical background environments fairly well, and in addition the giant creatures, minus a few scenes, seem to have some real weight to them and move rather realistically. Unfortunately, near the end during the big fight (maybe due to either budget or time constraints) the even-larger dino-dog creature leader starts to look a bit dodgy, even by Asylum standards, which sticks out all the more because of the better-than-average effects up until that point.

The acting from lead Jamie Atkins (no relation to writer/director/Asylum alum Mark Atkins), as Jack, is passable, and he does get better as the movie goes along; In the beginning he's too eager, like a puppy, and it comes across as a bit too hammy, but by the time we each the ending climatic battle though, he really delivers, especially in a somewhat heart-wrenching scene where he has to play both scared and brave at the same time. All in all, definitely not bad, especially when considering that this is the first movie I have seen him in. Playing alongside him is Vicki Glover as Lisa and she brings a lot of spunk and girl-next-door appeal to the role, which helps make you easily understand why Jack likes her. Jane March as Serena, the evil queen of the Cloud Realm, brings both an icy menace and a surprising amount of heart, especially in the second half where some excellent writing for the character turns her into a multifaceted one and ends her arc on a sweet note. Also I have to point out here that this isn't her first time playing an Evil Queen role for Asylum, having done it in Grimm's Snow White as well. On the flip-side from her, Tanya Windsor as Jack's mom may be serviceable, but she's also pretty forgettable. It doesn't help though that her character has very little to do other then just standing around.

For my money, though, it is Harry Dyer as Newald and Ben Cross as government liaison Hinton that steal the show. Dyer brings a Dr. Who-ish quality to Jack's dad, that makes him not only instantly likeable, but very sympathetic, and in just a few looks and some excellent delivery you feel bad for and forgive him for his various misdeeds, all at once. Cross' Hinton is the most serious of the bunch, and Cross imbues him with a nice sense of dutifulness and relatablity, so you can always understand his motivations.

This brings me to the few issues I have with the movie: Julian Boote just isn't that good as Nigel Mason, Jack's adoptive father. His line readings are stiff, and he looks uncomfortable the entire time, almost as if he didn't really want to be filming this movie. And as much as I enjoyed Vicki Glover as Jack's girlfriend, the character herself is written fairly one-dimensional. In addition, while a lot of the levity works and even adds to the unique feel of this movie, there is a subplot about a landlord trying to sell his property that just falls flat and I could have done without. Lastly is the score - overall it's pretty good and super effective, but in some sequences, especially during several dialog-heavy scenes, it is just too overbearing and drowns out the speech, making it hard to pick out what the characters are saying. While the story is simple enough to follow, that uneven sound mix can still be rather distracting and frustrating.

Moving back away from the few negatives though, longtime Asylum-collaborator Mark Atkins has made quite a few films for this company, but nothing would suggest the level of confidence he demonstrates with Jack the Giant Killer. With lots of long beautiful tracking shots and a nice focus on atmosphere, this is a very assured film with a clear vision from it's director. The fights are staged well and he keeps them moving at a nice pace, all the while keeping a good distance so we can see everything that is going on. Atkins keeps the twists and turns coming, but never spells too much out for the audience. Instead trusting them to be familiar enough with the old fairy tale, and classic movie tropes, to fill in the gaps.

Finally, I need to discuss the aforementioned robot exoskeleton. Looking a good deal like the load lifter from 'Aliens', but clunkier, and seemingly made from a tractor and sheer ingenuity, this thing kicks ass! Lisa and Jack are seen fiddling with it at the very beginning. and of course it comes back into play for the ending. And oh boy, when it does, it was definitely worth the wait - In order to save the day from the largest of the creatures, Jack puts it on and charges right to battle! It is a very heroic scene, and Jamie Atkins sells it perfectly. Seeing a red robot fight a fantastical creature is the exact reason I love these kinds of movies!

While not quite perfect, nor even the Asylum's best film (Age Of Dinosaurs is amazing, even when compared to big Hollywood blockbusters), the few flaws that it has doesn't strongly detract from all the things that Jack The Giant Killer does right. With an abundance of confidence and an intricately realized fictional world, this is worth the trip. Add to that two of my favorite Asylum performances so far, and you have a truly special film.

9/10 rooms in the Psych Ward

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